I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur