me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
You Might Also Like
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?