@attheUC

If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?

I just want to be ready.

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@Kids_kubed

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

@Gupton68

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

@just1fool

I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I’d say I’m a success compared to that.

@sonictyrant

HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry

@handsock_butts

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

@jtswhipped

Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don’t think I am real anymore.

@kathradical

I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman

@ThingsDrakeDo

Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.

@AndrewNadeau0

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.