10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?
I just want to be ready.
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I’d say I’m a success compared to that.
HORSE: *walks up to the bar*
ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?
HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don’t think I am real anymore.
I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman
Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.