@Ristolable

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

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@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

@Elizasoul80

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

@tree_bro

Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl

@TheHatStore

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

@bridger_w

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation