If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”