If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
A “ramification” sounds a lot more fun than it actually is.
Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?
Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Does this mask make my face look funny?
*husband slowly backs out of the room
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
regardless means without regard
irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.