If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.


Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?

Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.


PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*


Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room


Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.


regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes


If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.


Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.