If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other


ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again


Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*


Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???


I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.


[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean


Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl


me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you


“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation