Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
acrobat: what can I get you
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation