There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
When news reporters do sports stories
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me