If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
In space, no one can hear…
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards