If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?