If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
same vibe as tangled headphones
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?