Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
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when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”