@elle91

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

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@LOsepyan

Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@Pro_Jones_

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

@Justsydnyc

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.

@dadmann_walking

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

@BruceForce

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

@MissMMathers

Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.

@NathanBgood

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”