If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

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Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.


We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
Die mends are forever.


Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”


Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.


Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!


If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.


The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.


Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.


Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter