@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

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@LlamaInaTux

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

@jennifermerr

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@OMGSoOverIt

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

@uhJaybo

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

@asaltiercorpse

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

@autocorrects

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

@WilliamAder

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

@theroneman

Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
“Bonnie”
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is