If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

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Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao


I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.


MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.


Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.


would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this


My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.


I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.


Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.


Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is