If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!