Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
🤣😈🤣
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
good let them take over I have had enough
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Not now. I’m deglazing.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.