@Koonass3

If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

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@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

@suziqkelley

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

@threetimedaddy

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

@meh_thinks

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

@jazmasta

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”

@Nicole_Kapp87

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

@MomOnFire

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

@Matt_The_1st

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

@darksidedeb

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.