6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.