@wolfpupy: if they didn't want me to take the coins off a dead man's eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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@TheAndrewNadeau: Wife: I'm leaving you. Me: Us. Wife: Me: You're leaving us. Wife: Me: Also, why? Wife: *Sigh* Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
@IvoryGazelle: [after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom] Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast the antelopes: wait, the what now?
@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell] Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA" Me - "um...ok?" [Satan checks list] "Is your name Garfield?" "No" "Huh. List says Garfield"