@debon7

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

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@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@sageboggs

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

@NoogsCorner

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@LukeMones

This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?

@turkeyheadmac

Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@nPhelendriqal

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

@deardilettante

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

@Blondiethegood

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.