If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

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villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit


Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business


Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.


This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?


Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes


nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight











me: wait for what


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?


A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.


There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.