If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”