If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

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Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?


“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence


Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No


Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO


Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.


“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?


SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8


I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.


Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep


Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.