Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dlicj

This kinda thing happens to me often

@scorpicpanda

{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

@HatfieldAnne

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

@Fred_Delicious

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

@ArtfulDetective

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

@fillthevacuum

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

@shesatornado

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

@Marlebean

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.