@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

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@AristotlesNZ

Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

@TheAlexNevil

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

@bmarked21

Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.

@ArfMeasures

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

@_Water_Baby

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

@TheCatWhisprer

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.