If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

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{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.


The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.


Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]


I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy


I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.