If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Yes
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶