@perlhack

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

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@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@BuckyIsotope

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

@JodingersCat

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

@decentbirthday

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

@Dustinkcouch

roommate: i baked an apple pie

me: did you use my apples?

roommate: yea

me: how many

roommate: all of them

me: ALL of them?

roommate: chill-

me: shut up.

*the earth shakes*

me: the doctors are coming

roommate: which doctors

*god begins to scream*

me: all of them

@ImSoFrancis

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

@animaldrumss

You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you

@JoParkerBear

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

@MNateShyamalan

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program