Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Cause of death: iPhone 10 Plus fell on his head.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
roommate: i baked an apple pie
me: did you use my apples?
me: how many
roommate: all of them
me: ALL of them?
me: shut up.
*the earth shakes*
me: the doctors are coming
roommate: which doctors
*god begins to scream*
me: all of them
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program