if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
And bowling should be called pinball
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Support your local cemetery
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.