PMS: You okay?
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
You Might Also Like
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
Me: Okay, let’s go
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires