@skittle624

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

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@SondraDeeMe

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

@miffedmim

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

@smithsara79

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

@ohen39

[birthday party]
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
kid: okay
me: alright, now blow it out

@GrantTanaka

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

@daemonic3

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

@FredTaming

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

@fro_vo

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires