If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?