Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Meme Monday.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Natty or not?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot