@mybigblondelife

If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.

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@DrakeGatsby

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

@Marcmywords2

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

@LosLos__

Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@TweetPotato314

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

@VanCityBlonde

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?

@IGN

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@daemonic3

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out