The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Got ya covered
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents