If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Geez man, take it easy.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’