If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough