If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17