I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
9yo: Look what I made!
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.
Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the “Whoomp”?
Oh, there it is.
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
*crowd goes nuts*
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.