If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.