IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
how to have fun when you’re poor
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”