Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.