@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

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@HiddenPinky

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

@internetluke

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

@RocketRankoon

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

@JustLikeMikee

70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots

@ArfMeasures

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

@JuiceTooWavie

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@Donna_McCoy

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.