I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
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Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Who were the kings of disco?
what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password
My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit