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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
when nothing goes right… go left
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.