if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: