I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.