If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
United Steaks of America
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?