If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
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I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.