@Phook75

If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

@ZGhaoN

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

@PlainTravis

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

@bdbdleeroybrown

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@Matt_The_1st

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@clairecdowns

Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
Both:123
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*
Both: EARTH SANDWICH!