Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I hate everything
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.