To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Ugh but profoundly
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.