If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
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If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”