If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You Might Also Like
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Had to try this trend 😊
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then