[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
when dads have a rap battle
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
(more comics:
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”