If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.

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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.


Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.


High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?


My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2


Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.


When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.


My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.


Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.


Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.


*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!