@fuzzlime

If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.

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@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@KrispyTacoBelle

High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?

@passthewhine_44

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

@mlkef

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

@Carbosly

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

@Laser_Cat

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

@dlockw21

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!