Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Awesome parenting 😂
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”