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@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

@Storminika

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

@java_assassin

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

@Danny_McH2O

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

@jonnysun

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

@daplusk

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’

@DropDeadJud

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

@slytherinstef

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs