Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.