If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT