If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
hackers play passwordle
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.