People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
and now we wait
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”