Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start