girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant
her dad: hey bud you coming inside?
me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never
If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Math professor: today we’re doing geometry
Me: *falls asleep*
[20 years later]
Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt
Me: a what now
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I always leave the room when my son’s imaginary friend comes to play. I’ve seen ‘The Sixth Sense’ and frankly, I’m not taking any chances.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.