Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people