If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never


For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.


Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.


If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.


Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.


Math professor: today we’re doing geometry
Me: *falls asleep*

[20 years later]
Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt
Me: a what now


*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*


I always leave the room when my son’s imaginary friend comes to play. I’ve seen ‘The Sixth Sense’ and frankly, I’m not taking any chances.


As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.