Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
karate instructor: hiyah
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
me: yes but where
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.