If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.


Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.


I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.


“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions


Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die


No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.


Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year


Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw


when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too