@RobertJrDowney

If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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@terrycjt

Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

@thats_a_morey

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

@3sunzzz

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

@robotmouthfarts

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

@bobvulfov

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.