*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.