If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore