@JoParkerBear

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

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@KylePlantEmoji

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

@david8hughes

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

@SexySillyGrl

Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated

@Kyle_Lippert

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

@Ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

@markedly

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

@bad_as_you_want

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

@sonictyrant

concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when’s he bringing them back?