[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Your honor, I second that motion
Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume
concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs
me: when’s he bringing them back?