If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
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[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.