@UnFitz

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

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@XplodingUnicorn

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

@HatfieldAnne

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

@johndashgreen

Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.

@_Shizzle

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.

@DothTheDoth

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school

6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*

@lecalabara

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@MarfSalvador

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen