I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school
6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*
Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen