If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

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[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.


[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]


Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.


NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad


How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?


“Your storage is full” thanks Apple, I’ll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I’ll always have the stocks app


Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.