If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée


Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE


Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.


All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”


You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.


I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in


Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.


Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.


Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated


“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”