If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I think they could have phrased this better
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
#Caturday
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”