@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

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@rebrafsim

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

@roostermustache

Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

@TheMichaelRock

Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”

@WilliamAder

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

@Bripping_Talls

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

@underchilde

Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.

@BunAndLeggings

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

@cheers27402373

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”