@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

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@mom_ontherocks

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

@TheBeerGuy73

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@theroneman

[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
Legos

@Monicake0128

Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@Marcmywords2

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

@aotakeo

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

@jonni_howard

“Your storage is full” thanks Apple, I’ll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I’ll always have the stocks app

@copymama

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.